No, I Don’t Know Kat Von D–Conversations With Strangers about Tattooing.

Some tattooers I know pretend they have a different job when they’re out. They’ve been builders, butchers, receptionists… anything other than tattoo artists. I always thought it was stupid. Now I understand. After hearing the ridiculous crap I get asked about writing about jobs, I can only feel sorry for the tattoo artists, who must get it 24/7. I was talking to my friend Gizmo about how stupid people can be from time to time, and he said I should write this, haha. Okay then… A typical conversation with a stranger seems to go like this (unless I exaggerate for a laugh. Let’s see how this goes):

image[Stranger] So, what do you do for a living, anyway?

[Me] Oh, I’m a writer. It’s not a big deal. What do you-

-Wow a real life writer? What do you write about?

Mostly tattoos and art.

Woah that is so cool. You are so cool.

No, I’m a dork, but thanks.

I love tattoos, really love them.

Mind if I see yours? I love seeing others’ tattoos, but I can’t see any from what you’re wearing.

Oh, I don’t have any. I mean, I like Miami Ink. It’s dead cool.

[This is usually where I purposely create an awkward silence. It makes most people go away.]

imageDo you watch Miami Ink?

Nope. I don’t watch TV at all, though.

How can you write about tattoos and not watch Miami Ink?

Are you really asking me this?

Do you know Kat Von D?


I was thinking about getting a tattoo. I don’t think I will, they hurt.

Okay. I don’t really care.

Or I might get one, I don’t know. I don’t think I’d suit one. Do you think I would?

I don’t care, to be honest.

What I was really thinking about getting is… [this is the part where this stranger tells me about something minor which happened in their life that I don’t care about, and the horrendous idea they have to memorialise this as a tattoo. I usually just sit there and think about dinosaurs].

Well, if you want that, get it. Make sure you go to a good tattoo studio though, don’t go to your friend for it.

[More chatter here about their mate Tony who does tattoos for a tenner]

If you want AIDs, go to Tony. I don’t give a shit, I don’t know you. And if I did I still wouldn’t care about the horrid tattoos your stupid mate does. In fact I’d break his hands.

Haha that’s so funny, you’re so funny. Anyway, I’ll get everyone some drinks in. Sailor Jerry rum for you, I suppose?

Fucking shoot me.


Haha, I love my job really, guys. I’m just a moody bitch, sometimes. Other than this crap, not too much is happening today. Lots and lots of work stuff, so I haven’t had the time for anything else. Apart from putting up more flash and paintings in my house. There’s always time for this. And reading. I know, my life is so exciting.


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