Today it’s Joni’s birthday. Happy birthday old man- if you were Jesus, today would be Christmas. But, you’re not, and no one has an excuse to buy me presents, which sort of sucks.
Anyway, even though I bought the fucker a super awesome present he probably doesn’t deserve, I thought I’d do one of these list things that he finds so funny instead of the usual crap. I know, I know, you’re all so envious of him right now.
Stupid things my best friend says (from fairly recently because I’m way too lazy to remember things).
- “I can’t believe how many people think I’m awesome. See that old woman across the road? She’d die without me around. I’m like the reason everything in the world exists”. (slightly paraphrased because this conversation went on longer than it should have, and I wasn’t listening to half of it)
- “I don’t masturbate, I just go out and have sex”.
- “You’re going to laugh about this, but when I was a kid this other kid stole my jacket and pissed on it”.
- “I wish I was as manly as Sean Bean”.
- “The world ends today. I think we should get drunk”.
- “How in god’s name did I manage to sit in Cafe Nero right next to Dylan Moran for 10 minutes and not even realise?”
- “Sandwiches: if only I had a woman to make them and bring them to me, the way it should be.”
- “I don’t know why I don’t drink alone more often, I’m having a right lark with myself.”
- “I just realised how witty I feel when people re-tweet my tweets.”
- “Stop telling people I’m 43.”
So, there you have it, 10 stupid things I’ve heard come from Joni’s mouth, otherwise known as “why are we friends?”- haha, I’m kidding. Happy birthday Joni, here’s to the next 44 years!