Stop Stroking My Arm: How to Piss Off Tattooed People.

For many reasons, I wish I was around in the “good ol’ days” of tattooing. Back when tattooers made their own needles, traditional was king and apprentices scrubbed the floors with their toothbrushes. You see, in those days, if you had a tattoo you were scary. You were thought to be a criminal or a whore, not too unlike how things are right now if you come across someone just bigoted enough. But in those days, not too many people gave you shit to your face. They didn’t try to manhandle you after watching a couple of episodes of Miami Ink. They didn’t ask you loads of stupid questions.

Okay, since I’m only 21, I’m guessing here. Go with me.

The point is, in those days, if someone who didn’t have tattoos saw you they were a lot less likely to come up to you and irritate you. Tattoos weren’t mainstream then, so people didn’t feel the need to. To let off some steam, here are the things people do which irritate me the most:

1. Stroking my skin.

Yes, it’s a tattoo. No, it doesn’t feel any different to the rest of my skin. You should have known then within the first second of touching me with your ridiculously greasy hands. Have you just landed on Earth, or are you really stupid enough to think it’s okay to go up to a girl in a bar and start stroking her arm as if that’s okay? “I was admiring your tattoos” is not a good enough excuse. You’re supposed to look at them, not try to use them as an excuse to put your hands all over me. The ones who borderline on sexual assault with this always get smacked in the face. It’s not worth it.

2. Grabbing me

This is even worse. Once I was crossing the road when some pissed up scumbag swooped down and grabbed my foot while I was walking to look at my tattoo on my foot. Had there been a lot of traffic, I could have fallen and got hurt, but this stupid twat didn’t care at all, because him seeing a picture of Michael Jackson on my foot (as if he couldn’t see a picture of him anywhere else) was more important than my health. Fuck you and you idiocy, stop wasting my air.

3. Asking me how much my tattoo cost

Have you no class at all? Only cheap scumbags ask something like this, especially to someone they don’t know. Did I ask you how much your fake Chanel t shirt costs? No? That’s because I’m not a moron- please, if you can’t educate yourself on manners, lead from my example.

4. Asking “did that hurt?”

Of course it didn’t hurt dear. What happened was, I sat on a chair made of marshmallow while an angel came and farted the design onto my skin while talking animals played harps and fed me sweets. Of course it fucking hurt. Stop being so stupid.

5. Asking who did the tattoo… then telling me their mate says they’re shit.

This does my head in, though thankfully I go to a good studio so I don’t see it that much. They’ll say, “who did that?”, and when you tell them, they’ll go, “[well I know absolutely fuck all about what makes a good tattoo, have no tattoos and am just mimicking what some cunt who does shit tattoos says, but] my mate says they’re crap”.  If they’re crap, why are you admiring a tattoo which came from their studio? Use your brain.

6. Showing me your shitty tattoo.

Yes, I write about tattoos. Yes, I have tattoos. This does not mean I give a crap about the tribal your friend gave you that only cost you a tenner. Sometimes I don’t tell people what I do for a living for this exact reason. If you tell me how cheap your shitty tattoo was, we both know that means the price the only thing you like about it. Get a job and some grown up tattoos. Yes, I will probably tell you this too, if you’re annoying me.

7. Telling me I will regret being tattooed.

Who the fuck are you to tell me what I’ll regret, stranger? This is usually followed with “what will that look like when you’re older?”. You know who asks people that? Old people. Old people who should know by now that all old people look like shrivelled up ball bags with faces. I won’t be going for Miss Newcastle when I am 80, and I bet you aren’t either, with or without tattoos. Cut the shit, please.

Well, I feel better now. Blogs and journals can be pretty cathartic, don’t you think? In the weekend I will get back to telling you about the crap I’ve been up to this week, have a good weekend.

Oh, as a bonus- since it’s of a machine inspired necklace, here’s a new submission to my scavenger hunt. News on that over the weekend.



6 thoughts on “Stop Stroking My Arm: How to Piss Off Tattooed People.”

  1. You nailed it, Ms. Noir! What d’ya say to you and I starting a Charm School for the inkless and clueless? I’ll let you be Head Mistress if I can carry the whip

    1. Why thank you, Mary 😉 I think we definitely should set up this charm school, and make it a legal requirement for those caught asking how much a tattoo costs! Really though, I don’t know if it’s just that I’m unlucky or something, but I’ve had some real crap from non-tattooed people. I mean, it’s not that it’s because they don’t have tattoos, of course, they’re just twats- one southerner student tried to pull down my top in a bar once asking if my tattoo on my chest/shoulder “went any lower”. Thankfully, all of my friends there were lads, who helped the bouncer kick the bastard in! 😛

  2. I love that blog entry. I HATE being asked about cost. I used to follow that question with “how much do you make?” Or “how much is your house payment”…but people dumb enough to ask about cost never got it. Now I just ignore it.

    I’m looking forward to following your blog, you are funy and an enjoyable read! Thanks!

    Ps…I have been reading a bunch of Russian novels…what book is that sweet necklace resting on?

    1. Hey there! Thanks very much, I love it when people like what I’ve written 🙂 Yeah I think the cost question is really up there on my list, I just don’t understand how rude some people can be. Hey, at least they can make you and I look even better, eh? 😉

      Thank you for the kind words, that’s really nice of you- hopefully you won’t end up disappointed, haha.

      Hey, you like to read, too? I like you already- this particular book was the Russian Tattoo Encyclopaedia by Danzig Baldaev, and is the first in three volumes- good luck finding the second one though, I’ve been searching for years, now, haha. I’d recommend it if you haven’t already read it though, it really rocks 🙂


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